perfect mother?

Yesterday, our babysitter was sick and my class was cancelled so I stayed home with Xander. I was so excited at the idea of being home together all afternoon by ourselves. I was sure we were going to have some real quality time. I planned to get together with a friend and her son after Xander's nap so that they could play and we could scrapbook, but in the morning I thought we could watch cartoons in our jammies until 10 and then go to the park and swing! Well, my plans went down the toilet! From the second I went in to get Xander around 7:30 ish he was standing in his crib-not happy to see me at all (unusual for him). He was pushing me and testing me all morning. It was rainy outside so we stayed in and he wanted nothing to do with me. He pushed me away when I tried to play with him and threw about 15 temper tantrums before 11! Everything he wanted was off limits and he did NOT want to hear "no" from Mommy. For example, we were eating crackers in the living room and he began to turn the box upside down and pour out the crackers. I think all the time how I don't want to just take things away and say "no", but rather ask him to give them up. So I asked him to give the box to mommy because we shouldn't dump out all of the crackers. Well, being 1 years old (I guess my expectations are too high), he shook his head no and gave me this evil look and started to really dump them out as fast as he could. So, I took the box away and said calmly, Xander, mommy said no dumping crackers. He threw a tantrum...I let him lay there and cry and proceeded to pick up the crackers and put them on our plate. He stood up, came over to where I was, squatted down, and swept all of the crackers off of the plate and on to the floor again. I about lost it! So, the afternoon continued like this. Finally after making him a nice healthy lunch, that was thrown right back in my face, he laid down for a long nap and I called Mark and couldn't stop crying. I was being really hard on myself. I just want to teach him things and have a good time with him. I think my expectations were just too high.

I guess I just am always feeling so guilty for being so busy at school that Xander and I have been lacking some quality time together. Going to school is a lot different than having a full time job. Because not only am I at school for about 30 hours a week, but then I spend hours at night working on assignments or studying for exams. Then on the weekends I work part time at the pharmacy to make enough money to pay for Xander's childcare throughout the week...it is kind of a bummer :( But I keep telling myself that it will all be worth it! Really, as soon as this fall semester is over, our load at school should lighten up and I will be able to spend more time with the baby :) As I always say (the theme of my life)...I can't wait! :)