here we go...

ok, i guess it is time for a "catch-up". as i last posted, Mark and I found out we were expecting twins (btw, i found out later that apparently twins do run in my family-i had no idea as one side of our family is so big and spread out that i have many cousins i have never met)...of course Mark was ecstatic...I, on the other hand, was not as thrilled, being the worry-wart i was born to be...I couldn't stop thinking about all of the scary stuff that a pregnancy of multiples brings. those who know me may remember that i had a pretty rough pregnancy with xander (although all's well that end's well). i get gestational diabetes and have a lot of heart valve problems that seem to only affect me in times of extreme stress (aka pregnancy)

so as mark continued to celebrate and i continued to worry, i began to spot last thursday. of course i was even more worried, but my doctor had already told us earlier in the week, that 1st trimester spotting with twins was even more common than with "singletons" (weird term that she used). friday, i began cramping-didn't seem good to me at all...i rushed into the ob's office certain something was wrong. after yet another ultrasound they assured me that the babies both looked fine and they had in fact grown another 2.5mm each (which is the normal amount of growth for a 2 day span for tiny fetuses). the tech did see some blood up high in my uterus and told us that was most likely the cause for my cramping and that i would probably continue to have light spotting through the weekend. i felt very optimistic, but in the back of my mind, i was still unsettled. well, my inclinations were correct and late on saturday, i started having bad cramps which quickly turned into contractions...in order to spare you all of the details, i did end up miscarrying both babies. my parents had come to spend the weekend with us so we were surrounded by support from them and really we just spent the rest of the weekend mourning the "children" that were never to be known.

at first we thought maybe this is a sign and we should not try again to have a baby right away. i felt good about this decision because i was still very emotional and didn't feel ready for the emotional rollercoaster again. mark agreed with me, basically b/c he is all about supporting my decisions when it comes to this topic. on thursday we had a follow-up ultrasound/appt and the doctor told us that everything looked good and if we so desired we could start trying as soon as we wanted. by then, i had gained perspective and had started to feel "normal" again. being in the ob's office and seeing all of the other pregnant bellies in the waiting room, helped me to realize that i still wanted a baby just as much as before.l i want xander to have a sibling/best friend. and seeing as how we want as many children as humanly possible (i know, we're a little looney, huh?) i know that waiting (especially if complications are in our future) probably isn't the best idea. so i think we have come to the decision that once we get our feet beneath us again, we will hop back on the baby-making train :)

overall, we are very positive and hopeful that we will once again hold a baby in our arms! all i have to do is take one look at xander to know that all of this heartache is just a drop in the bucket compared to the reward of having another child. everything happens for a reason and the plan is bigger than us. and, as my ever-so-wise mother says, "having babies is not about control, it is about taking what you get and doing the best you can" i have decided to keep this advice in the forefront of my mind and just keeping trying :) anyway, i just wanted to thank everyone for their well-wishes and prayers and (JB) thoughts of encouragement!